I am writing on this as a personal experience and definitely not a professional or expert view.
PostPartum Depression is very a real thing and common that happens to a lot of mummies. However, not many mummies speak of it and many of them suffer in silence. Every PDD is different but definitely all needs the supports from their husbands, families and friends.
I suffered from depression since late pregnancy but it was pretty mild I guess. I think my depression was mainly due to low self-esteem. During the late pregnancy, I have gained about 20kg. Some people began calling me fat, auntie or some unpleasant names. I know that some of them made the remarks thinking that they are funny but they did not realise it hurt my feelings. Its never funny to call a pregnant woman "Fat", "Auntie", "Ugly"or any kind of negative remarks. Pregnant women are very fragile emotionally with all the hormones acting up and have a hard time dealing with all the various pregnant conditions. We already feel very self-conscious on our body changes and trying very hard to make peace with it. So dear outsiders, please be kind to pregnant women as one day you or your close ones will be pregnant as well and going thru the same shit.
Anyway back to PDD. It was only after I gave birth to Nat, it became really bad. On the outside, I looked perfectly fine and seemed to be coping well as a new mummy. But whenever I was left alone with Nat during the first 2 months, I would carry him and cry. I felt detached with Nat like when I was carrying him, I didn't feel the overwhelming love. I didn't feel connected with him like a mother and baby. (I googled and realised its very common for mummies to feel detachment during the initial stage) I felt unworthy as a mother and I wished I could do better so that I would not burden anyone like Collin, my mum, my MIL or just anyone. I had really bad insomnia every night even though I was dead tired, I still couldn't sleep and would cry for no reason. It's always during late at night, the worst thoughts would creeped into my mind. I began to have suicidal thoughts. I would think how the world would be a better place without me, how Nat would have a wonderful life without a mother like me, how Collin would have a easier life without a wife like me burdening him and how my mum would still have Nat to company her even when I'm no longer around. Everyone would seems to be able to have a greater life without me. Everyone has been trying their best to help me with the postpartum and Nat but I just felt that I don't deserve any of them and all I do is to burden them. I felt like I really hated my life and I could never be happy again. A part of me knows that all these negative thoughts are not true, its just the PDD bringing the worst out of me.
Also, everyone has been promoting breastfeeding so much that it has put a lot of pressure on me. As a new mummy, I have problems with keeping up my milk supply for Nat's intake. Whenever I see anyone or visit the doctor, the first question would be "Am I still breastfeeding?". And when I replied that I'm actually doing mix feeding, they'll start questioning me. I felt somehow I'm being judged as not a good enough mummy as I don't produce enough BM for Nat. I started blaming myself for being such a lousy mummy and have to put Nat on mix feeding instead of being on full BF which he should deserves. I understand there are a lot of benefits in BM but it is really putting a lot of pressures on mummies who can't produce that much. I feel mummy should all be comfortable to provide whatever they deem as the best for their babies and not be judged by their choices.
On top of it, people still continued making unpleasant remarks about my body changes. It made me feel even more insecure about my own body and adding onto my PDD. I felt as though I could never ever return back to the body I used to have and I hated my postpartum body. The ugly stretch marks, the swollen limbs and the flabby tummy. I hated what I see in the mirror everyday.
I did not dare to speak up to anyone, fearing that my PDD conditions would worry them. I guess a bigger reason was because I didn't know how to tell them. Its like "Hey I think I've got PDD and having suicide thoughts" is definitely not the best conversation topic. What would they think? What would their reactions be? Would I be burdening them even more? All sorts of scenarios and questions I have planned out in my mind kinda stopped me from speaking up...
After a long period of suffering PDD in silence, I finally could not handle all the negative thoughts and energy any longer. Its like PDD was slowly consuming my mind. I decided to talk to Collin about my PDD conditions. I personally feel that its certainly the best decision I've made to help myself. Collin took it very well, he calmed me down and shared with me his thoughts. He shared with me that he's also getting used to be a new daddy, going thru the parenthood with me plus he still has work to worry about. Sometimes everything gets too overwhelmed for him as well but he has never thought of giving up because he knows he has a family now. He tried to clear my negative thoughts away and kept giving me assurance that all these were just a passing phrase which I'll get better soon so long as I keep talk to him about it or even consult a professional. Most importantly, he made me feel that I am never alone going thru all these. He also recommended to get a professional help for me but I wanted to try to recover on my own. Collin respects my decision but he still kept a close watch on me. He would make it an effort to spend all of his time with me, rush home everyday after his work and have a lot of chats with me to make sure I'm recovering slowly. After close to 2months, I slowly felt better again and those negative thoughts slowly got away as well. Currently, I am perfectly well and happy again without any negative thoughts. I think its talking to Collin which makes me recover because he makes me feel like I'm never alone to deal with anything and he's always by me side going thru everything with me.
From my very own experience, it is very important to open up your PDD conditions to someone who you can trust or consult a professional. It's never the end of the world. It can be cured and one day, you'll feel all happy again. :)
I would be more than happy if any mummies would love to reach out to me and share with me your experiences or issues! Just contact me at sheylathl@gmail.com! :)
